Rain, Rain...Come Again...

Today it's raining hard. 40 degrees and relentless wind qualify this as a bit more than an April shower. After my last class today I walked out of the back of the building directly onto the lake front. Alone I walked to the edge and watched the huge wave crash into the boulders, letting the mist and rain blow directly into my face, blurring my tears into this storm. I'm not exactly sure why I was crying and have a lump in my throat right now.

Maybe it's because we had a death penalty mitigator come speak our Perspective on Life and Death class and she told stories of real people that she cares for and loves and recognizes humanity in, people who may get the death penalty. People who are otherwise forgotten, hated, or, even worse and more common, targeted. Maybe it's because the first client she talked about grew up in Austin on the West Side of Chicago, where I grew up, and he just didn't have the support a kid needs to be succeed. Rather he had the context that makes talent into good drug dealers. Maybe it's because when I was talking to our guest speaker after class and was saying bye to her my professor came over and lightly told her, "This is Mackenzie, she's one of those students who's going to cause some ripples in this world." Maybe it's because I am realizing I have a solid number of people that have confidence that I will do just that...and I'm afraid of wasting my gift because I'm not quite sure what that gift is. Maybe it's because I know I'm privileged and do not know how to be grateful and not guilty, how to make my actions speak my heart.

I know I have the gift of an impeccable upbringing. One in which I was cared for and even spoiled some, but not unexposed or hidden from realities. I know I have friends who care a lot about me and parents and professors and chaplains I can go to for advice or direction. I know I better not blow it. And I know it's a bit ridiculous to get so upset and unsure at times. I'm just not sure what to do with myself, how to properly, or preferably unconventionally, give myself to others. My big decisions are almost always choosing between very positive things. My life is busy with wonderful people and endeavors, hopefully making a positive impact in some way.

But sometimes when I feel and hear and see parts of our world lacking in love my heart flows over and the tears spill out. I feel a little slapped in the face as my burdens are of "what's next?" when I know the best way to live is right now. Sometimes, like now, I just need to vent to regain my perspective and remember how to focus my energy.

Sometimes I just need to walk to the lake front in a storm and let it wash around me until I am cleansed, until the storm becomes the opportunity for peace and hope.